This is an odd line to start with because I know how deep the meaning goes but I don’t know how to express myself on the same. There comes a time in everybody’s life when he/she is met with disappointments… where he/she thinks about future possibilities and the fear gives jitters to the core… where to calm oneself we tend to pat our own backs and mutter “All is well”… where it’s not.
Going through the same “all is well” scenario something within me was not going well. I hooked onto the word “hope” for my future but it still won’t calm me down, it still won’t inspire me to keep going, to keep trying no matter what and thinking that one day the sun will shine the way I want. Through this, I have a strange urge to shout, I’m getting irritated, not saying anything and not wanting to converse with anyone. I switch my phone off, don’t take interest in conversations, my mind is running on a dimension that is much different from the location of my physical presence… Although I’m doing very insignificant works yet I’m sad, not in a good mood… and in short I’M UPSET FOR SOME REASON I DON’T KNOW.
Thinking and thinking my mind was exploding like a volcano and the words randomly either from me or from others kept ringing in my head. One of my good friend always say “be positive” and he argues that my approach towards life is not positive… but on the other hand my mind keeps muttering “IF IT’S DESTINED TO BE SO, HOW COME I DON’T LIKE IT????? “ …. IF IT’S DESTINED TO BE SO… HOW COME I DON’T LIKE IT????? ….
Again and again... the same thing… if whatever is happening, is supposed to happen this way, then why am I not happy??? Why do I have this uncomfortable urge of doing something that could impart me some happiness??? This was quite tricky for me to figure out… but I’m glad I did.
The answer my mind gives is “PRIORITY”… yes, its always about priority, In love, in hatred, in care, in career, in friendship, in family and even in pain.
I have never imagined myself as a home person. Whenever my dreams take a ride, I find myself in an office and working all the time. But my reality is a 180° turn to my dreams making myself feel that I’m some sort of Cinderella. I can head out to work like a workaholic, I’m not tied down, yet I’m bound. Although the feeling irritates me, but deep down I know I made such choice on the basis of my priority, my family.
Some people enter your life, say four sweet words, become good friends, say two bitter things and then exit making u feel miserable, you try, try, try and at last be sad and hopeful for the reconciliation. Yes you do miss them, unconsciously wait for their message/call, sometimes feeling you’ve lost a good friend… but then some other day, some other people walk into your life, say six sweet words, you start conversing with them, you start calling them your friends, your angels... but somehow unconsciously you no longer wait for the former ones... it’s not that the new ones have replaced the old ones, coz everybody holds a special place in your life that no other could replace. Then what?? I think somehow it’s also about priorities. No! NO! It’s not that my priorities towards people have changed. I think my priorities towards myself have changed. I chose to be happier, feel more alive rather than sit back for years trying for reconciliations. In other words I was moving on.
Not just family, friends or relationships, the same holds true for career perspective. One of my good friend once said “was a time when I desperately needed a job, not for the sake of money, but for the sake of working. I would travel a long distance, work on a minimal salary, more than half of which would go into my travel expense, yet I was doing it for the sake of working.”… Another of my friend is a doctor, but is getting settled on the condition that she won’t work. Different people, different priorities, doing things they don’t like, yet doing it. Sometimes you cancel an important appointment even when you worked really hard just for getting one. Sometimes you wanted to do something else, but you end up doing something else. We blame people, we blame conditions, we blame destiny, but we never blame our priority.
At the end of the day and thinking through the process one thing was crystal clear to me. That my life was running on the priorities I was choosing. But there was one more thing I realized later.
I once read a psychologist’s view about men that man has an internal urge to protect and provide for the people he considers his own. But my thought process now doesn’t relate to this because being a girl I’m providing for the comforts, happiness and well being of my family and friends. I’m giving away my comforts, my happiness and my priority for their sake. I’m also struggling to protect them from all possible discomforts whatever may come. Even when irritated or not in a good mood, I’m laughing heartily, making attempts to make them laugh coz somewhere deep down my instinct says that they had a rough day.
When I distance myself from them, I set my priority onto their success in career and other fields rather than onto my will and happiness I get by talking to them. But sometimes what nobody understands is that my sadness or pain originates just because I’m prioritizing them over myself. So the insignificant works I do, insignificant positions I hold, are somehow playing a very important role in molding my life, although in a very insignificant way but holding intact a lot of important people, relationships and priorities.